“I was so nervous at the psychiatrist for the first time.”

In everyday life, it really helps not to be incontinent, both verbally and emotionally. You have to work, live and organize in a social minefield called “Society” and that requires a bit of adaptability.

But imagine how beautiful it would be to be able to talk about yourself unabashedly, to be endlessly emotional, to annotate your life story, to show your toxic triggers and behavior, and not be afraid of overestimating yourself? Well: I know this place where you can.

When I first entered the counseling room two years ago, I was sad and nervous. I had no idea what it was all about: therapy. The second time around I found it a little less exciting. The third time is very interesting. And the fourth time is really very beautiful. You’ve learned how cool it is to talk about yourself for hours on end, and how well you’ll get to know yourself when you do.

I knew that the cape I had been living in for over twenty years was hiding all sorts of things from me. I knew what I was doing and what I was thinking, but I didn’t really know myself as well as I expected. I knew I would never dare to be home alone. I knew I was afraid of being stabbed by any man passing by in the street. I knew that during drinks I always tried to get drunk faster than the rest. But why did you do that and how did you develop more healthy lifestyles? I have no idea. I was the TV and I’d watched my movie thousands of times, but I didn’t know how to turn the volume up or down, or how to fast forward or forward. I got this proof from a psychiatrist.

And after more than twenty years of living, I’ve only figured out how to compile my manual. I learned that I suffer from separation anxiety, that I find men to be unpredictable, and that I get scared when people drink, so I joined them to be less aware of it. I learned where those fears came from and how to mitigate them. I pulled my fearful mind out of my head, laid it on the psychiatrist’s table, opened it up and looked at how it worked until I understood it well enough to stop my treatment.

I can control it now: those triggers, those toxic behaviors. I know what buttons to press when I fall into old patterns. I’m fine. Yet I miss her. Speak without shame, scrutinize endlessly, and finally understand. Talk, learn and get one step closer every week. I try to get all my friends to talk to a specialist. Because it’s helpful, cool, and even fun to get a better understanding of your scheme with a little therapy. I would almost call it a hobby.

This column by Eva comes from Flair 36-2023. You can read more of these kinds of stories on Flair each week.