Thursday 19 October 2017 / 02:17 PM

YARD SHORT REPORT: NFL WEEK 5

Hello, it’s I, your former Ball Don’t Lie™ correspondent! Now, I bring you a weekly recap of all things NFL to get you ready for each and every week by recapping the week. We’ll look at what teams/players you should “buy” or “sell” on the Stock Report, give you some Fantasy advice for you degenerates, and then look at some quick hits in the Extra Point. Let’s get started!

Stock Report

Buy

Panthers Tame Lions

I mean, are you back on the Cam Newton train or what? The Panthers rallied after a rough start to the week for Cam and his thoughts on women (yikes) and went up to Detroit and handled Matt Stafford and the Lions. That puts them at 4-1, good for the best record in the NFC with two other teams, one of which coming to town on Thursday against Philly.

Keenum Takes a Job

Sam Bradford finally returned for the Vikings on Monday Night Football, but he quickly went back to the bench after a really rusty start. Case Keenum, who has been phenomenal in Bradford’s absence, proceeded to come in and lead a scoring outburst, leading to the win for the Vikings. Things don’t look good for Bradford for at least a couple weeks, and Keenum is looking good.

Philly Soars

Quietly, depending on how much you pay attention, the Eagles are smacking teams. Their defense stole the show on Sunday, totally flustering the Arizona passing attack en route to a double digit win. The Eagles are showing out, and now sit at a comfortable 4-1 in a division that has the closest team sitting at 2-2. They get yet another tough test on Thursday, but Carson Wentz and company look tough.

Bortles and Jags Surprise

We are five weeks in and I’m still waiting on the Jags to fall off a cliff. Bortles really has been terrific, and now heading into week six, the Jags are sitting all alone at the top of their division. They look like one of the best defenses in football, and that offense is showing out. It looks like the team left for dead in the preseason may steal this thing, and that’s why I love the NFL.

Aaron Rodgers Does Unfair Things

We all know how good Rodgers is. And he showed that again on Sunday night against Dallas. Rodgers took the ball down the field and scored to break the Cowboys heart in just 1:13. In fact, the Packers only had the ball for three minutes of the fourth quarter and scored 21 points. Yeah, they’re that good. He’s carrying the Packers again, and you should take note.

Sell

Dolphins’ Wild Week

Yeah, the Dolphins won. That’s a good thing. But boy did they have a rough week. Their O-Line coach gets caught on video snorting cocaine, and the offense still looks bad. Yeah, cocaine, you read that right. The Dolphins are the gift that keeps on giving, but I doubt the Dolphins fans enjoy that right about now.

Giants Left for Dead

I’m over telling you guys about yet another Giants loss (they are at 5 now). Instead, we have to talk about the just shitty injuries week they had. The Giants lost Odell Beckham Jr. for the season Sunday with a horrific ankle injury, then lost Brandon Marshall for the year to a leg injury. And THEN lost Sterling Shepherd for an undisclosed time. For those keeping track: the Giants lost their top three receivers in one week.

Raiders Fall Off

Yeah, we’ve seen this paly before. The Raiders are slipping without Derek Carr, and are now sitting firmly in the back seat of a division they were favored in, and the gap is widening each and every week. They are now looking at a three game deficit with probably five more weeks of this god-awful offense.

Big Ben is Big Bad

Big Ben threw a nice five interceptions on Sunday, a new career high, and the Steelers dropped another game. The icing on the top is that two of those picks came on back to back possessions, and both were for touchdowns. Ben sarcastically joked about being washed up after the game, but he’s not looking great this year.

Political Invasion

You might have missed the stupidest thing you’ll see all week, so I’ll give you a recap: the Vice President of the USA Mike Pence wanted to go to Indianapolis to see the Colts play. It wasn’t a scheduled trip. The President, Donald Trump, told him to go and leave if there was an anthem protest: even though there was already a planned one. So, he came for five minutes. And it cost $250,000. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

Fantasy Outlook

It’s a good time to throw the Falcons defense, considering their playing the league’s most anemic offense in Miami.

Speaking of anemic, throw Case Keenum out there against that awful Green Bay defense. Trust me, he’s worth more than your starter unless they’re Cam or Brady this week.

Will Fuller should get a nod against Cleveland because Watson is heading his way a lot more lately: his targets are almost as high as DeAndre Hopkins since he’s come back.

And Martavis Bryant should get the nod against that good Chiefs D. They’ll shadow Antonio Brown, and the slot is the one weakness for Kansas City.

The Extra Point

Some old faces kicked the tires on the Giants receiver issue:

And VP Pence brought some distractions:

Oh, and the Dolphins suffered again:

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About the author

Austin Albertson

Austin is CBS' senior NFL and NBA analyst, bringing you commentary on everything between the lines and inside the hashes, from the film room to the scoreboard.

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