Hey look! The Buffalo Bills just won the Super Bowl!
— Eye on Football (@EyeOnNFL) October 5, 2014
Actually, no, this is simply Defensive Coordinator Jim Schwartz hitching a ride off of Ford Field after Dan Carpenter nailed a last-second, 58-yard (no, that’s not a typo) field goal to stun the Lions 17-14.
While Schwartz is taking a lot of flak from social media nerds over his over-exuberant celebration after beating his old team, I say #&@! those guys.
1. I bet you’d like to be carried victoriously through the last office of the dick that fired you, right?
2. The last time the Bills won the AFC East you didn’t own a mobile phone. Literally. It was 1995. Nineteen-ninety five. Five games into 2014 they’re tied for first place. Let’s let the Bills celebrate a bit … after all, they have to live in Buffalo.
Should the Bills beat the Patriots next week in Buffalo, I fully expect to see buckets of Gatorade flying to officially commemorate the beginning of the Kyle Orton era in Buffalo.
30 minutes until the Kyle Orton Mustache Era begins for the Bills. pic.twitter.com/vtlhCJLPN6
— Eye on Football (@EyeOnNFL) October 5, 2014
As long as the veteran signal caller continues to compile 300+ yards and engineer game-tying and game-winning drives, my guess is that Bills fans will be fine with the porno ‘stache.
Bye-Bye perfect seasons
Now that we’re five weeks in, everyone’s got a blemish on their record.
Arizona played Denver tight for three quarters but floundered in the fourth, falling to the Broncos 41-20 at Mile High Stadium.
While he did toss two costly interceptions, Peyton Manning picked the Cardinals’ secondary apart. He threw his 500th touchdown in the game (4 total) to go along with 479 yards.
— NFL (@nfl) October 5, 2014
He’ll overtake Brett Favre on the all-time list long before he gobbles down turkey with Eli at Thanksgiving.
And the Bengals?
Well, unfortunately they headed to Foxboro one week after the world was ready to throw Tom Brady and the Pats into the “has-beens” bin.
Brady rebounded big time with 292 yards and 2 touchdowns without a turnover in his team’s 43-17 rout of the previously unbeaten Bengals. The performance was good enough to make the QB just the sixth passer ever to reach 50,000 career passing yards.
Tom Brady is my dood! 50000 yards!
— zachary cain (@Zack_Cain9) October 6, 2014
And no, that’s not how you spell “dude”.
Team on the rise
The hottest team in the NFL right now is the San Diego Chargers, and along with the Dallas Cowboys they are the only team to have won their last four games.
This week the Bolts looked absolutely dominant on both sides of the ball as they embarrassed Rex Ryan’s New York team 31 to nothing.
Sure, they were playing the now 1-4 Jets, but a shutout win is a rarity in the NFL even if the #JetsSuck.
— James McClelland (@jimmymacisback) October 5, 2014
Geno Smith’s decline hit rock-bottom indeed as he put up one of the worst first halves in the history of the NFL.
THIS JUST IN: Michael Vick will start 2nd half for Jets, replacing Geno Smith. Smith in 1st half: 4-12, 27 Yds, Int
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) October 5, 2014
But after the game Coach Ryan assured the media that Geno’s still the starter and that there will be no quarterback carousel in New York.
Next up for Smith? The Denver Broncos.
Team on the decline
The Jets and Titans have both lost four straight since winning their opener, making them both great candidates for teams on the decline, but instead we’re going to talk about the Bears.
At one point, Chicago was looking like a real player in the tight NFC North, but now, when we look back, the Bears are a 2-3 team with one victory handed to them by the implosion of Colin Kaepernick and the other a 27-19 win over the Jets that nearly slipped away.
I know that football is a game of feet and inches, but Chicago is literally four pecker lengths away from being 0-5.
Which is surprising.
Jay Cutler is #8 in passing yards with a 2:1 touchdown to interception ratio (12 TDs, 6 INTs) and he’s got plenty of weapons with Alshon Jeffery, Brandon Marshall, Matt Forte and Martellus Bennett. But the Bears just keep finding a way to lose.
With Green Bay’s slow start and Detroit losing this week to Buffalo, it’s certainly not too late to turn things around in the windy city, but for now this ship is pointed in the wrong direction.
Commentary Box Sports Top 10 Power Rankings
Rank 1 – Seahawks Up 2
NFL.com has got the Chargers here, and fair enough – they won the head-to-head match-up against the current Super Bowl champions in week 2, but I’m not quite ready to put San Diego at number one and it has nothing to do with my pro-Seattle bias.
Rank 2 – Broncos Up 2
Denver mopped the floor with Arizona this week, putting up 41 on what was supposed to be one of the league’s toughest defenses.
Rank 3 – Chargers Up 2
Philip Rivers’ timing this year has been phenomenal and there’s simply no defense for a perfectly-timed pass. It could get ugly again next week as they take on the Raiders.
Rank 4 – Bengals Down 3
Every NFL team is allowed one mulligan per season. Cincy fans are hoping that the Bengals used theirs up in week 5.
Rank 5 – Cardinals Down 3
The quarterback situation in Arizona is worrisome and they might be stuck starting third-string rookie Logan Thomas next week at home against the Redskins. The Cards have held up well without Carson Palmer at the helm, but if he doesn’t get healthy soon I can’t imagine this team sticking around in the top 5 for too much longer.
Rank 6 – Eagles —
Philadelphia beat St. Louis this week 34-28 to improve to 4-1, but they gave up 375 yards and 3 passing touchdowns to undrafted rookie free agent quarterback Austin Davis. Is Davis just a diamond in the rough or is Philly’s defense too porous to go deep into the playoffs?
Rank 7 – Cowboys Up 1
Tony Romo was forced to win the game twice this week after Houston tied the game and then Cowboy kicker Dan Bailey missed the game-winning field goal at the end of regulation, but they pulled it off and are tied with the best record in the NFL at 4-1.
Rank 8 – Packers New to List
On Thursday Night Football Eddie Lacy and Aaron Rodgers announced emphatically that their slow start is over. With the Lions dropping to the Bills, the Pack are tied for a piece of the NFC North lead.
Rank 9 – Colts Up 1
Indy leads the NFL in points per game (31.2) and is second in total yards (441.6) but they’re still recovering from a 0-2 start. Andrew Luck has thrown for 300+ yards every single week this season … if dude stays healthy and doesn’t bore of football, he could wind up surpassing Mr. Manning’s career marks before hanging up his cleats for good.
Rank 10 – 49ers New to List
San Francisco’s 2014 is looking a lot like their 2013. Start out slow, lull the league into thinking the team has passed its peak and then blast on through the second half of the season all the way to the NFC Championship. We’ll have to wait and see on the latter part of that statement, of course.
Fell out of the top 10: Lions, Ravens